More and more each day, the feeling of wanting to enjoy and experience freedom from the dictates of people surrounding me, grows stronger. I want to know who I am, what I'm capable of doing on my own and how long and how far can i discipline myself. Its a scary thought to be alone especially when i think of all the temptations waiting to jump at me and feast on my weaknesses. Its also scary to be alone in a new place. But im preparing myself for that time. Im trying to stand on my own, following little by little the basic tenets of discipline a person should have in order not to fall to the preys of the world.
I can't help but feel excited also when that time comes. When i'll finally be able to live without boundaries, at least according to how i define "no boundaries", ironic as it may seem.
Monday, November 24, 2003
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Messages loud and clear
First, the idea of getting into a relationship and second, making yourself a better person.
Don’t you just feel so irritated to the point of shouting at the person who constantly reminds or incessantly bugs you with an admonition to keep from engaging in an intimate boy-girl or woman-man relationship? I just had a bad start today. Ive been bugged with that reminder from my dad for weeks now. At first, im not affected because I know that theres nothing to be guilty of, whatever it is he’s been ranting about. I thought it really is natural for a father, who just lost his wife, to be protective. He told me that he’s doing that to protect me from falling in the same situation my sister fell into when that bastard, son-of-a-bitch just left her pregnant, without the slightest courtesy or dignity to show himself to our family after the incident. So there, it’s a scheme to get me off that path of disgrace. Good for me? Bad luck. I want to scream and shout and kick everything in my way as I go to the office. I can’t totally despise him for that. But man! Its just so sickening hearing him every waking moment, especially when he’s drunk that I ought to stay away from that kind of relationship.
My dad has been assuming too much, way too much, not even thinking that im different from my sister. I don’t blame my sister for falling for that asshole and irresponsible guy, he was at first glance a gentleman. But thinking that id fall in the same kind of situation seems to imply that I cannot take hold of myself or cannot even be in control of my instincts. That I’d just give in to momentary pleasure and not think of the lifetime agony it would cost me to give in to that concupiscence. I can think for myself. And believe me, I get the message, he’s really successful in getting the message across, LOUD and CLEAR.
Second, what does he wants me to become? An old maid? #$!@&*&%#$%. Cant find the words to say how much I hate it when he reminds me of that. The harder part in this situation when you complain of how the message is so sickening it makes me want to throw up is that in the end, Im the bad girl. That I don’t know how to heed to advices, that I cant even listen to what my only parent is saying, that im too smart, too intellectual, too individualistic, too modern, too liberated, too hard-headed. Talk about becoming the victim.
IM not that excited to have serious relationship. I have stopped looking and decided not to wait nor look nor even hope. The only guy who got me to profess my love for him already has a lucky woman beside him. After that, I never felt that I would feel or decide the same way again. If God decides that I’m better off alone for the rest of my life, then so be it. I’ll be saving money for caregivers in the distant future so that I won’t have to be alone. Plus I’ve already talked to some of my friends who think that they’ll live their lives alone too. I told them that it’d be better if we just get together so we wouldn’t have to feel the gravity of being lonely. But to constantly ring the message in my ears every second of my life just makes me want to throw myself to doing it. Fast. Can’t he seem to realize that the more he wants to avoid it, the more it will hunt him?
I’m soooooooo pissed off. Soo soo soooo pissed off.
Second in the list. I am definitely not the first person one would be elated to meet. I have this tendency to spew out sharp words to just anybody, to be too proud to admit my mistakes, too righteous to order people around, too damn bitchy. I’m not playing myself clean. Believe me or not, I’m struggling to be a better person. I’m not patient, I can be so irritated at somebody and be bitchy to him or her. I have this tendency to lord over my siblings and my relatives, well to some of them. I tend to feel as if I’m-miss-know-it-all. And I am aware of who I am right now, aware of my faults, shortcomings, misgivings and deliberate mistakes. And I am not stopping at those things. I am struggling to change for the better.
But it’s just so hard to do that when people keep on pressing to you who you are and how they know you. It’s pretty difficult to get out of the impression your closest friends and relatives have of you. And even harder to get on with the change when all they see are the mistakes and how you should reform yourself.
I want to get out from this situation. I want to know myself without anybody telling who I should be or what should I become. Without people curtailing my freedom to choose and decide for myself. I want to be alone for sometime and go to a place where nobody knows me. Its so tiring to hear what the people has to say about me.
I’ve got a life and mind of my own, you know.
And I get their message loud and clear.
First, the idea of getting into a relationship and second, making yourself a better person.
Don’t you just feel so irritated to the point of shouting at the person who constantly reminds or incessantly bugs you with an admonition to keep from engaging in an intimate boy-girl or woman-man relationship? I just had a bad start today. Ive been bugged with that reminder from my dad for weeks now. At first, im not affected because I know that theres nothing to be guilty of, whatever it is he’s been ranting about. I thought it really is natural for a father, who just lost his wife, to be protective. He told me that he’s doing that to protect me from falling in the same situation my sister fell into when that bastard, son-of-a-bitch just left her pregnant, without the slightest courtesy or dignity to show himself to our family after the incident. So there, it’s a scheme to get me off that path of disgrace. Good for me? Bad luck. I want to scream and shout and kick everything in my way as I go to the office. I can’t totally despise him for that. But man! Its just so sickening hearing him every waking moment, especially when he’s drunk that I ought to stay away from that kind of relationship.
My dad has been assuming too much, way too much, not even thinking that im different from my sister. I don’t blame my sister for falling for that asshole and irresponsible guy, he was at first glance a gentleman. But thinking that id fall in the same kind of situation seems to imply that I cannot take hold of myself or cannot even be in control of my instincts. That I’d just give in to momentary pleasure and not think of the lifetime agony it would cost me to give in to that concupiscence. I can think for myself. And believe me, I get the message, he’s really successful in getting the message across, LOUD and CLEAR.
Second, what does he wants me to become? An old maid? #$!@&*&%#$%. Cant find the words to say how much I hate it when he reminds me of that. The harder part in this situation when you complain of how the message is so sickening it makes me want to throw up is that in the end, Im the bad girl. That I don’t know how to heed to advices, that I cant even listen to what my only parent is saying, that im too smart, too intellectual, too individualistic, too modern, too liberated, too hard-headed. Talk about becoming the victim.
IM not that excited to have serious relationship. I have stopped looking and decided not to wait nor look nor even hope. The only guy who got me to profess my love for him already has a lucky woman beside him. After that, I never felt that I would feel or decide the same way again. If God decides that I’m better off alone for the rest of my life, then so be it. I’ll be saving money for caregivers in the distant future so that I won’t have to be alone. Plus I’ve already talked to some of my friends who think that they’ll live their lives alone too. I told them that it’d be better if we just get together so we wouldn’t have to feel the gravity of being lonely. But to constantly ring the message in my ears every second of my life just makes me want to throw myself to doing it. Fast. Can’t he seem to realize that the more he wants to avoid it, the more it will hunt him?
I’m soooooooo pissed off. Soo soo soooo pissed off.
Second in the list. I am definitely not the first person one would be elated to meet. I have this tendency to spew out sharp words to just anybody, to be too proud to admit my mistakes, too righteous to order people around, too damn bitchy. I’m not playing myself clean. Believe me or not, I’m struggling to be a better person. I’m not patient, I can be so irritated at somebody and be bitchy to him or her. I have this tendency to lord over my siblings and my relatives, well to some of them. I tend to feel as if I’m-miss-know-it-all. And I am aware of who I am right now, aware of my faults, shortcomings, misgivings and deliberate mistakes. And I am not stopping at those things. I am struggling to change for the better.
But it’s just so hard to do that when people keep on pressing to you who you are and how they know you. It’s pretty difficult to get out of the impression your closest friends and relatives have of you. And even harder to get on with the change when all they see are the mistakes and how you should reform yourself.
I want to get out from this situation. I want to know myself without anybody telling who I should be or what should I become. Without people curtailing my freedom to choose and decide for myself. I want to be alone for sometime and go to a place where nobody knows me. Its so tiring to hear what the people has to say about me.
I’ve got a life and mind of my own, you know.
And I get their message loud and clear.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
To bum or not to bum
I have just recently realized the cause of my anxiety these past few weeks. I didn't want to admit it. But it's the only sensible reason that keeps on popping in my head whenever I try to "psychologize" this phase that im going through.
I am torn. Not between two lovers, though I wish I were. I am torn between being responsible and bumming around.
Not a very hard decision some might think. But it is for me. All these years, ive been trained to keep everything straight, to always take responsibility for all my actions, to perform according to whats good for me and for others. I have excelled in my academics, I did my best to do well in debating, I tried to perform my duties according to what is expected of me, I have always acted responsibly when it comes to my responsibilities at home. They all look up to me whenever things go wrong. I take care of all there is to take care of. They all run to me whenever they don't know what to do. All decisions has to pass through me before it is executed. To make the long story short, I am the boss around here.
I cant relate with cousins of my age. Now I always have to be with the elders whenever theyre discussing some thing. I cant fully enjoy company with my cousins coz Im always inclined to be the "responsible" one.
I envy people who have the luxury to do whatever they want to do. Those who are not pressured by their own situations. Those who can afford to be irresponsible. Or those who can let loose.
Ive told myself before that it is my modest dream to be a social bum. I just want to try and feel how it is when no responsibility is laden at your back. When you can sleep late and wake up late. When you can go to the mall everyday, be a couch potato, fool around. I want to know the how it feels to be reckless, carefree but happy at the same time.
I feel tired. I want to be out of this. And it worries me. A lot. Because the "good girl" in me always gives me that nagging feeling to BE RESPONSIBLE.
I want to relax.
I want to let go.
I want to bum around.
yeah, I want to bum around.....
I have just recently realized the cause of my anxiety these past few weeks. I didn't want to admit it. But it's the only sensible reason that keeps on popping in my head whenever I try to "psychologize" this phase that im going through.
I am torn. Not between two lovers, though I wish I were. I am torn between being responsible and bumming around.
Not a very hard decision some might think. But it is for me. All these years, ive been trained to keep everything straight, to always take responsibility for all my actions, to perform according to whats good for me and for others. I have excelled in my academics, I did my best to do well in debating, I tried to perform my duties according to what is expected of me, I have always acted responsibly when it comes to my responsibilities at home. They all look up to me whenever things go wrong. I take care of all there is to take care of. They all run to me whenever they don't know what to do. All decisions has to pass through me before it is executed. To make the long story short, I am the boss around here.
I cant relate with cousins of my age. Now I always have to be with the elders whenever theyre discussing some thing. I cant fully enjoy company with my cousins coz Im always inclined to be the "responsible" one.
I envy people who have the luxury to do whatever they want to do. Those who are not pressured by their own situations. Those who can afford to be irresponsible. Or those who can let loose.
Ive told myself before that it is my modest dream to be a social bum. I just want to try and feel how it is when no responsibility is laden at your back. When you can sleep late and wake up late. When you can go to the mall everyday, be a couch potato, fool around. I want to know the how it feels to be reckless, carefree but happy at the same time.
I feel tired. I want to be out of this. And it worries me. A lot. Because the "good girl" in me always gives me that nagging feeling to BE RESPONSIBLE.
I want to relax.
I want to let go.
I want to bum around.
yeah, I want to bum around.....
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Here I go again….
Hmmm. Ive been having one of those confusing, “im-in-the-crossroads-of-my-life” moments when I just don’t know what I want to feel or just don’t know how to interpret what I am feeling. Maybe its because of the weather.. nah. Maybe its because I still want to sleep and I haven’t had a decent sleep since last Monday. Maybe im still thinking of how hard our situation is. When I get home at night, I have to talk to my sister about how things went in the house, the bills paid, money spent, how mom is doing and all the other stuff. I think I really am having a hard time trying to pick-up myself from depression… after depression. Maybe because ive been paying too much attention to my clothes. I havent been comfortable with my outfit these past few days. Ive been wanting to buy a new pair of pants and shoes and some blouses…..but I don’t have the time and the resource yet. And everytime I do scout for a new pair, I always run out of zest and interest. It seems as if, ive been growing tired everyday.
Maybe, im simply confused about how to go on with my life. I have actually planned a path for me to take and im sure ive said to myself so many times before that im going to see that path, take and walk along it no matter what happens. I have already internalized that that plan will come true with the purest conviction I can gather. Yet now, here I go again. Feeling low and beaten, as if nothing will ever turn out right.
Ive been battling with my insecurities for so long. I have been determined to whisked them off whenever they pay me a visit every once in a while ( Thanks to myself, I have tried not to be polite to them and even tried to shoo them away, they don’t frequently invite themselves anymore). I know and I still remember making a pact with the serious side of my personality to really strive to build ourselves. I know that so many people have overcome their insecurities, so it shouldn’t be a problem for me. Yeah… It shouldn’t be. But somehow it is… again.
Im okay with my job. I really am. I have everything Ive asked for before I graduated. I ask God to give me a job that would still allow me to read the economist, time, newsweek and so on. And guess what, I got it and more. I really feel blessed that I got this job. Plus the people are soooooo nice…(that’s an understatement). They’re great, cool bunch of people who I think never grows old because they have been preserved after staying the whole day in a refrigerator-cold office – even my leather jacket can’t keep the cold off my body. They still have that idealism I only see when I was still studying, though not the same intact perception about the world. Some of them believed they have been burned out. Hahha, not a very unusual circumstance in the workplace. Welcome to the real world.
But there’s just something that keeps my concentration unfocused. I will have to settle this on a slower pace than I expected. Perhaps, really think through everything. I just hope time never gives up on me lest he runs away leaving me with all these things unresolved. Believe me, a meeting of thoughts is currently going inside my mind. Even the Cancun debacle cannot match the chaos inside. NO lines can be drawn, no clear issues to be settled…..
But then again….Its just another one of those I-woke-up-in-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed days, though I can only get up in one side coz the other side is against the wall. Hehehehe.
Hmmm. Ive been having one of those confusing, “im-in-the-crossroads-of-my-life” moments when I just don’t know what I want to feel or just don’t know how to interpret what I am feeling. Maybe its because of the weather.. nah. Maybe its because I still want to sleep and I haven’t had a decent sleep since last Monday. Maybe im still thinking of how hard our situation is. When I get home at night, I have to talk to my sister about how things went in the house, the bills paid, money spent, how mom is doing and all the other stuff. I think I really am having a hard time trying to pick-up myself from depression… after depression. Maybe because ive been paying too much attention to my clothes. I havent been comfortable with my outfit these past few days. Ive been wanting to buy a new pair of pants and shoes and some blouses…..but I don’t have the time and the resource yet. And everytime I do scout for a new pair, I always run out of zest and interest. It seems as if, ive been growing tired everyday.
Maybe, im simply confused about how to go on with my life. I have actually planned a path for me to take and im sure ive said to myself so many times before that im going to see that path, take and walk along it no matter what happens. I have already internalized that that plan will come true with the purest conviction I can gather. Yet now, here I go again. Feeling low and beaten, as if nothing will ever turn out right.
Ive been battling with my insecurities for so long. I have been determined to whisked them off whenever they pay me a visit every once in a while ( Thanks to myself, I have tried not to be polite to them and even tried to shoo them away, they don’t frequently invite themselves anymore). I know and I still remember making a pact with the serious side of my personality to really strive to build ourselves. I know that so many people have overcome their insecurities, so it shouldn’t be a problem for me. Yeah… It shouldn’t be. But somehow it is… again.
Im okay with my job. I really am. I have everything Ive asked for before I graduated. I ask God to give me a job that would still allow me to read the economist, time, newsweek and so on. And guess what, I got it and more. I really feel blessed that I got this job. Plus the people are soooooo nice…(that’s an understatement). They’re great, cool bunch of people who I think never grows old because they have been preserved after staying the whole day in a refrigerator-cold office – even my leather jacket can’t keep the cold off my body. They still have that idealism I only see when I was still studying, though not the same intact perception about the world. Some of them believed they have been burned out. Hahha, not a very unusual circumstance in the workplace. Welcome to the real world.
But there’s just something that keeps my concentration unfocused. I will have to settle this on a slower pace than I expected. Perhaps, really think through everything. I just hope time never gives up on me lest he runs away leaving me with all these things unresolved. Believe me, a meeting of thoughts is currently going inside my mind. Even the Cancun debacle cannot match the chaos inside. NO lines can be drawn, no clear issues to be settled…..
But then again….Its just another one of those I-woke-up-in-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed days, though I can only get up in one side coz the other side is against the wall. Hehehehe.
Monday, July 28, 2003
Regrets.....
Just when you thought you are ok, everything is going on smoothly and that you can weather the storm, there will come another challenge, another frustration, another feat which you thought you had overcome, and it will haunt you and make you realize the loss that you had because you weren’t brave enough, not optimistic enough to face it and make that dream real. Because you thought it was a worthless cause to fight for, you never dared try working for it. Now, you look back, thinking of that time that passed, when you could have made it a reality. There really are things which you regret not doing and things….. which you wished you haven’t done. I just wish I would be given the time to do it all again, or the chance to accomplish it.........
Just when you thought you are ok, everything is going on smoothly and that you can weather the storm, there will come another challenge, another frustration, another feat which you thought you had overcome, and it will haunt you and make you realize the loss that you had because you weren’t brave enough, not optimistic enough to face it and make that dream real. Because you thought it was a worthless cause to fight for, you never dared try working for it. Now, you look back, thinking of that time that passed, when you could have made it a reality. There really are things which you regret not doing and things….. which you wished you haven’t done. I just wish I would be given the time to do it all again, or the chance to accomplish it.........
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
i love men....
I never dared tell anyone how i feel about them before. I was trapped in the belief that doing so is taboo in our culture because it is a sign of promiscuity. Or it gives the impression to many especially to the males that i am easy-to-get. FOr all intends and purposes, i think it still is taboo and it still elicits that kind of reaction from the males. But in a time when the world has started to open its eyes to different kinds of reality, where gays and lesbians slowly gain ground in the society, where women empowerment slowly finds its niche in the natural order of things and when individuality has been the common mantra of every living person, the secret that i have kept for so long can finally be set-free. It is a part of me that is screaming to come out because I have successfully supressed it.
Ironically, i think it really is not a big thing. Just like how so many others can appreciate and love the beauty of any other living being, be it plants, animals and the whole of MOther Nature, so do I find the beauty of men breathtakingly praiseworthy. I find genuine joy, unmatched by any other pleasure this world can offer, whenever i see them at their best. Those perfectly chiseled bodies, which moves with certain grace and stands in a different kind of aura, simply completes my day.
I will not pretend that this kind of attitude toward the species of the opposite does not bear some strains of concupiscence. But i know that beyond the imaginations I do have of them, this feeling is not merely because of the momentary pleasure i derive from their existence. It is a deep and profound appreciation of the unique beauty bestowed upon the male genus. If there are those who can innocently appreciate nature, I believe that loving men can also be regarded with the same reverence. I find it a rare gift to be able to recognize the beauty of men in its purest form.
I am now ready to make this known to the world. I have already suffered enough from keeping it to myself. After all, love is supposed to be shared.
I choose to love you.
I never dared tell anyone how i feel about them before. I was trapped in the belief that doing so is taboo in our culture because it is a sign of promiscuity. Or it gives the impression to many especially to the males that i am easy-to-get. FOr all intends and purposes, i think it still is taboo and it still elicits that kind of reaction from the males. But in a time when the world has started to open its eyes to different kinds of reality, where gays and lesbians slowly gain ground in the society, where women empowerment slowly finds its niche in the natural order of things and when individuality has been the common mantra of every living person, the secret that i have kept for so long can finally be set-free. It is a part of me that is screaming to come out because I have successfully supressed it.
Ironically, i think it really is not a big thing. Just like how so many others can appreciate and love the beauty of any other living being, be it plants, animals and the whole of MOther Nature, so do I find the beauty of men breathtakingly praiseworthy. I find genuine joy, unmatched by any other pleasure this world can offer, whenever i see them at their best. Those perfectly chiseled bodies, which moves with certain grace and stands in a different kind of aura, simply completes my day.
I will not pretend that this kind of attitude toward the species of the opposite does not bear some strains of concupiscence. But i know that beyond the imaginations I do have of them, this feeling is not merely because of the momentary pleasure i derive from their existence. It is a deep and profound appreciation of the unique beauty bestowed upon the male genus. If there are those who can innocently appreciate nature, I believe that loving men can also be regarded with the same reverence. I find it a rare gift to be able to recognize the beauty of men in its purest form.
I am now ready to make this known to the world. I have already suffered enough from keeping it to myself. After all, love is supposed to be shared.
I choose to love you.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
you can say that again....
i just had a txt conversation with a friend who happens to have a "heart" problem. She' s been ranting about this guy for almost a year now and she desperately wants to get the feeling over and out of her system. I cant help but remember when I was exactly in that same situation almost 3 years ago. I've fallen desperately "in-love" with this guy who happens to be a student of my dream school. The day we met was a blessed one. Just when i thought that i could not get over the guy who just broke my heart, here he comes suddenly, quietly taking his place in a secluded and protected place in my heart. Ever since, ive decided to love and fall for him. I didnt know the challenge i was about to face.
We were able to talk only for about 7 or 8 times over a span of three years. And mind you, those were the casual hi's and hello's simple acquiantances share with each other. Maybe to him, the sweet smiles i flash just dont mean anything but to me theyre smiles full effort, hoping and wishing that maybe he would realize that i possess the qualities he might be looking in his ideal girl. There was this one time when he gave me a baseball cap. Actually, it was more of, i asked him for it. He readily gave it to me. Hoping and praying that his gesture meant something. I frantically called every other guy friend i have who I know owns a baseball cap just to ask if it means anything. There wee those who made me feel like i was really up to something, and then those who rained on my parade, telling me that it was just a simple gesture of generosity. Oh well, i just ignored those who want to ruin the momentum i had. You can just imagine how high i was flying just thinking about how he feels about me. But holy gwakomoly!!!! I thought a part of me just died when i heard he was already in a relationship with this girl from the same school, who they say happens to look like me. Talk about some kind of irony. oh well, it took me almost 3 years before I can finally accept that i never really got his attention. But until now, i still think about him. The last time i heard something about him, a friend told me that he changed. From a completely timid and shy attitude, he is now more outgoing and more open. I was thinking, i could have done that to him. I could have been the one who brought out the best in him. But i am not that girl.
Until now, I still like him. I finally accepted the fact that maybe we were never really meant for each other. Maybe he was just God's way so that I could get over the guy who broke my heart for the first time. Looking back, i didnt regret that i fell strongly for him. I realize that no matter how much pain i bear that time, how much agony i suffered from the thought of him not liking me, it was still worth it to fall for him. At least, i had the chance to feel that way. I dont think it was really a martyr act but i guess i just had to experience that. Im proud of myself because i know choosing to fall for somebody knowing that you might never receive anything in return is a courageous thing to do. It did hurt. BIG TIME. but i learned so many things from that experience.
I told my friend that shes not alone. SO many others suffered the same fate she is going thru right now. I told her to enjoy it. But i guess she really is having a hard time accepting her predicament. She said it hurts, it really hurts. The only thing keeping her from going insane is the thought of her leaving the country to pursue higher studies abroad. yeah right, drown yourself outside with all the distractions that this world can offer. And find out soon that the feeling has never gone away. You just delayed your agony. You just prolonged that sickening feeling. Itll never go away unless you face it. Unless you accept that you love him but you can do no more. It will hurt, BIG TIME.
if only i can do something...... just like what i did for her back in thailand.
"hi zak, pansinin mo naman si anna...." hayyyyyyyyyyyyy....
life...and love...... they hurt...BIG TIME.... i can say that again..... BIG TIME
if i were you anna..... throw yourself to this feeling. Let it engulf you and eat you. And then when you finally faced the ghost hunting you.... look at it intently in the eye and then let it go.
im just here.... wait lang.
i just had a txt conversation with a friend who happens to have a "heart" problem. She' s been ranting about this guy for almost a year now and she desperately wants to get the feeling over and out of her system. I cant help but remember when I was exactly in that same situation almost 3 years ago. I've fallen desperately "in-love" with this guy who happens to be a student of my dream school. The day we met was a blessed one. Just when i thought that i could not get over the guy who just broke my heart, here he comes suddenly, quietly taking his place in a secluded and protected place in my heart. Ever since, ive decided to love and fall for him. I didnt know the challenge i was about to face.
We were able to talk only for about 7 or 8 times over a span of three years. And mind you, those were the casual hi's and hello's simple acquiantances share with each other. Maybe to him, the sweet smiles i flash just dont mean anything but to me theyre smiles full effort, hoping and wishing that maybe he would realize that i possess the qualities he might be looking in his ideal girl. There was this one time when he gave me a baseball cap. Actually, it was more of, i asked him for it. He readily gave it to me. Hoping and praying that his gesture meant something. I frantically called every other guy friend i have who I know owns a baseball cap just to ask if it means anything. There wee those who made me feel like i was really up to something, and then those who rained on my parade, telling me that it was just a simple gesture of generosity. Oh well, i just ignored those who want to ruin the momentum i had. You can just imagine how high i was flying just thinking about how he feels about me. But holy gwakomoly!!!! I thought a part of me just died when i heard he was already in a relationship with this girl from the same school, who they say happens to look like me. Talk about some kind of irony. oh well, it took me almost 3 years before I can finally accept that i never really got his attention. But until now, i still think about him. The last time i heard something about him, a friend told me that he changed. From a completely timid and shy attitude, he is now more outgoing and more open. I was thinking, i could have done that to him. I could have been the one who brought out the best in him. But i am not that girl.
Until now, I still like him. I finally accepted the fact that maybe we were never really meant for each other. Maybe he was just God's way so that I could get over the guy who broke my heart for the first time. Looking back, i didnt regret that i fell strongly for him. I realize that no matter how much pain i bear that time, how much agony i suffered from the thought of him not liking me, it was still worth it to fall for him. At least, i had the chance to feel that way. I dont think it was really a martyr act but i guess i just had to experience that. Im proud of myself because i know choosing to fall for somebody knowing that you might never receive anything in return is a courageous thing to do. It did hurt. BIG TIME. but i learned so many things from that experience.
I told my friend that shes not alone. SO many others suffered the same fate she is going thru right now. I told her to enjoy it. But i guess she really is having a hard time accepting her predicament. She said it hurts, it really hurts. The only thing keeping her from going insane is the thought of her leaving the country to pursue higher studies abroad. yeah right, drown yourself outside with all the distractions that this world can offer. And find out soon that the feeling has never gone away. You just delayed your agony. You just prolonged that sickening feeling. Itll never go away unless you face it. Unless you accept that you love him but you can do no more. It will hurt, BIG TIME.
if only i can do something...... just like what i did for her back in thailand.
"hi zak, pansinin mo naman si anna...." hayyyyyyyyyyyyy....
life...and love...... they hurt...BIG TIME.... i can say that again..... BIG TIME
if i were you anna..... throw yourself to this feeling. Let it engulf you and eat you. And then when you finally faced the ghost hunting you.... look at it intently in the eye and then let it go.
im just here.... wait lang.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)