To bum or not to bum

I have just recently realized the cause of my anxiety these past few weeks. I didn't want to admit it. But it's the only sensible reason that keeps on popping in my head whenever I try to "psychologize" this phase that im going through.

I am torn. Not between two lovers, though I wish I were. I am torn between being responsible and bumming around.

Not a very hard decision some might think. But it is for me. All these years, ive been trained to keep everything straight, to always take responsibility for all my actions, to perform according to whats good for me and for others. I have excelled in my academics, I did my best to do well in debating, I tried to perform my duties according to what is expected of me, I have always acted responsibly when it comes to my responsibilities at home. They all look up to me whenever things go wrong. I take care of all there is to take care of. They all run to me whenever they don't know what to do. All decisions has to pass through me before it is executed. To make the long story short, I am the boss around here.

I cant relate with cousins of my age. Now I always have to be with the elders whenever theyre discussing some thing. I cant fully enjoy company with my cousins coz Im always inclined to be the "responsible" one.

I envy people who have the luxury to do whatever they want to do. Those who are not pressured by their own situations. Those who can afford to be irresponsible. Or those who can let loose.

Ive told myself before that it is my modest dream to be a social bum. I just want to try and feel how it is when no responsibility is laden at your back. When you can sleep late and wake up late. When you can go to the mall everyday, be a couch potato, fool around. I want to know the how it feels to be reckless, carefree but happy at the same time.

I feel tired. I want to be out of this. And it worries me. A lot. Because the "good girl" in me always gives me that nagging feeling to BE RESPONSIBLE.

I want to relax.
I want to let go.
I want to bum around.

yeah, I want to bum around.....