Messages loud and clear

First, the idea of getting into a relationship and second, making yourself a better person.

Don’t you just feel so irritated to the point of shouting at the person who constantly reminds or incessantly bugs you with an admonition to keep from engaging in an intimate boy-girl or woman-man relationship? I just had a bad start today. Ive been bugged with that reminder from my dad for weeks now. At first, im not affected because I know that theres nothing to be guilty of, whatever it is he’s been ranting about. I thought it really is natural for a father, who just lost his wife, to be protective. He told me that he’s doing that to protect me from falling in the same situation my sister fell into when that bastard, son-of-a-bitch just left her pregnant, without the slightest courtesy or dignity to show himself to our family after the incident. So there, it’s a scheme to get me off that path of disgrace. Good for me? Bad luck. I want to scream and shout and kick everything in my way as I go to the office. I can’t totally despise him for that. But man! Its just so sickening hearing him every waking moment, especially when he’s drunk that I ought to stay away from that kind of relationship.

My dad has been assuming too much, way too much, not even thinking that im different from my sister. I don’t blame my sister for falling for that asshole and irresponsible guy, he was at first glance a gentleman. But thinking that id fall in the same kind of situation seems to imply that I cannot take hold of myself or cannot even be in control of my instincts. That I’d just give in to momentary pleasure and not think of the lifetime agony it would cost me to give in to that concupiscence. I can think for myself. And believe me, I get the message, he’s really successful in getting the message across, LOUD and CLEAR.

Second, what does he wants me to become? An old maid? #$!@&*&%#$%. Cant find the words to say how much I hate it when he reminds me of that. The harder part in this situation when you complain of how the message is so sickening it makes me want to throw up is that in the end, Im the bad girl. That I don’t know how to heed to advices, that I cant even listen to what my only parent is saying, that im too smart, too intellectual, too individualistic, too modern, too liberated, too hard-headed. Talk about becoming the victim.

IM not that excited to have serious relationship. I have stopped looking and decided not to wait nor look nor even hope. The only guy who got me to profess my love for him already has a lucky woman beside him. After that, I never felt that I would feel or decide the same way again. If God decides that I’m better off alone for the rest of my life, then so be it. I’ll be saving money for caregivers in the distant future so that I won’t have to be alone. Plus I’ve already talked to some of my friends who think that they’ll live their lives alone too. I told them that it’d be better if we just get together so we wouldn’t have to feel the gravity of being lonely. But to constantly ring the message in my ears every second of my life just makes me want to throw myself to doing it. Fast. Can’t he seem to realize that the more he wants to avoid it, the more it will hunt him?

I’m soooooooo pissed off. Soo soo soooo pissed off.

Second in the list. I am definitely not the first person one would be elated to meet. I have this tendency to spew out sharp words to just anybody, to be too proud to admit my mistakes, too righteous to order people around, too damn bitchy. I’m not playing myself clean. Believe me or not, I’m struggling to be a better person. I’m not patient, I can be so irritated at somebody and be bitchy to him or her. I have this tendency to lord over my siblings and my relatives, well to some of them. I tend to feel as if I’m-miss-know-it-all. And I am aware of who I am right now, aware of my faults, shortcomings, misgivings and deliberate mistakes. And I am not stopping at those things. I am struggling to change for the better.

But it’s just so hard to do that when people keep on pressing to you who you are and how they know you. It’s pretty difficult to get out of the impression your closest friends and relatives have of you. And even harder to get on with the change when all they see are the mistakes and how you should reform yourself.

I want to get out from this situation. I want to know myself without anybody telling who I should be or what should I become. Without people curtailing my freedom to choose and decide for myself. I want to be alone for sometime and go to a place where nobody knows me. Its so tiring to hear what the people has to say about me.

I’ve got a life and mind of my own, you know.
And I get their message loud and clear.