There goes my crush..

I felt good that I got to revive to life my gloomy heart from a stupid heartache because someone else has taken the place of my once-object-of-affection. I didn't want to admit it at first but yeah, he caught my attention. I think I'm drawn to the seemingly shy, silent, and serious type - everything which I am not. This is another testimony to the worn-out statement, "opposites attract" - of course, this applies to me only, as I am the only one drawn to him. I was very curious of him and I was always excited to know that I'll get to see him again every time we have an activity.

I got to know him even better because our encounters became more frequent, with this I am happy. I was even delighted to know that he'll be joining us in our trip down under, a decision which I think was made at the very last minute. I realized that he is not the serious type I thought he was. He's funny; he can deliver a few jokes every once in a while but still he acts like the Big brother to most of us though he's younger than me. Only three of my colleagues from the same group knows how I feel towards him, two my good lady friends and the significant half of one of those two. There is a fourth one but I'm not sure if she still thinks that I have this crush on her good friend.

So there I was almost perpetually on cloud nine during the whole trip. Our conversations made me admire him more. I thought it was nice until we came back here. Our group was solidly bonded coming from a great trip and so we tried to organize regular dinners together. Until one day, one of my friends called me to break the news that finally marked the end of my happy days.

She called and told me that he asked her out. Period. I don't even want to remember that bit in our conversation. The first line was enough. She told me the first person that crossed her mind was me. And yes, she is one of those 3 or 4 who knew about the affection. I had to be nice not because she's my friend but because he's just my crush and I don't have a say at all whoever he likes to like. Its funny though looking back at it because it made me shed a tear. . It was then that I slowly realized that I was not aware that whenever I like someone, I have this propensity to take it seriously, which is really my downfall. I bruise because of my own stupidities.

I want to believe that I have learned my lesson , if not, I am learning it now. This reminded of a painful past I wish I'll forever forget but one that I'll always learn from. If history cannot help but repeat itself, may it never be that past in my life. I don't want to lose a friend anymore.

I am now sober. And I can look at anyone I like knowing full well that what I hope to have is something they cannot give me. And finally that's ok with me.

I relieve you of the responsibility to keep the secret from him. I am releasing you from the bondage of loyalty and so you are free to do what you feel will ease your burden (assuming that you are burdened by my decision to be distant; in the same way that I am writing you off. YOU are free to confide to him freely the thoughts that might be bothering you. I don't want to give a damn about anything about you or him. I want to purge my system of any memory of you.

I don't care anymore what he might be thinking. I don't care if he knows. It's probably good that he knows. It's not that I am ashamed that he knows, he should, he is entitled to it. I just don't want to care. I guess the pain did make me stronger than what I expected. I'm not ready to face them, not now, probably not ever. I feel that I am not losing anything, except for their friendship. I feel that it was not worth it. Not worth it.

How does it feel to be written off in someone else's reality? You'll probably never be able to tell unless you have done it yourself. I was once written off by a friend but that was a long time ago, it was way back in high school. I felt as if I needed to be the one to do something, to approach him and ask for us to work things out. He was a friend, a good friend. But he was the one who decided that he will never acknowledge my existence from that day on. The reason: I probably snapped at him, although I can't remember if it was that serious. I probably said something that irked him so much and maybe because of the pull of the moon, he took it quite seriously.

Anyway, I doesn't matter anymore because we haven't seen each other for more than 10 years now. I don't know how it feels now to be written off, to be acknowledged as non-existent, not to have an impact on somebody else's life but I am doing that to somebody. Ambivalence prevails over me. At one point, it is sad that I have reached this decision. But at the same time, I feel that primal instinct for survival necessitates that I take this course of action.

I am afraid to admit, but I might be severing my ties with them as slowly but smoothly as possible. As a friend advised me, we should try to do everything at least even for the first time. The question is how it is possible, when every single day, except weekends and when I am on leave or they are on leave, I see them and work with them. Ever since I decided to take this path, I have been placid. I can say that I am not totally at peace but the emotions that used to disturb me has never surfaced again.

Lately, I have got nothing much to say. I lost track of the path to mend the relationship. I am hesitating to open myself to a deeper relationship with them. I refuse to know anything about them and I haven't made any effort to reach out to them: I talk to them whenever its necessary but I don't want to if it requires being more than civil.

“Never explain yourself to anyone because the person who likes you doesn’t need it, and the one who dislikes you won’t believe it, & the one who doesn’t care about you won’t care what you say.”

People who knows, doesn't mind me doing this, which is good. If they are aware of this or not, I don't really give a damn anymore. Anyway, sooner or later, they will have to live with the fact that they have just been written off.

Justice

I feel as if a crime has been committed to me by no less than life itself. I was stunned to face what they call without fair warning. It befell on me like a meteor fell on earth; it hit the most random spot on earth; it hit me. I wanted to shout for justice; let them know how much they have let me suffer. But what injustice and who has done the injustice?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain

Its not right, not OK
Say the word it should say
Maybe we're better off this way?
Im not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
I'm not fine, not OK
Say the word it should say
Maybe were better off this way?
- Maroon 5, Better that we Break

Why is it that everytime I see you, I am reminded of the pain? Why does looking at you become an excruciating experience? I wish there is a way to escape this but there is none. I want to call out for justice, but what justice should be given? Her mere sight hurts me.

The last one standing

I turn to you now for I know of no other means of expressing my thoughts. YOU are now the sole and only companion in my predicament. I choose not to explain nor elaborate my thoughts to another soul for I’ve been hurt quite badly with their use of what they know about me.

I don’t want to complicate things even further by soliciting their opinions on my sentiments. What they know now is enough for them. Maybe I don’t need anyone but God at this point in my battle.

No one will be able to understand just how deep the cut was. No words of encouragement from anyone can keep the hurt from breaking me over and over again.

I cling on to hope that time will heal the wounds no matter how deep it was. For now, it is time to be still and silent.

The eyes are the windows of the soul. Some say that if you want to know if there's a difference between what one is saying and what he or she really feels, we only need to look in his or eyes. You may chose to lie but your eyes will give you away.

I am afraid to look at people in the eyes for they may see what's inside. I have always been an open book and it's only now that I have been seriously considering how big a liability this nature has been. It has dawned upon me that the irresistible urge to speak up and practice the right to speech has brought more disaster than good. Hard as it is for me, and not that I am unwilling, the consequence of letting people know how I am and what I feel terrifies me for the first time in my life. Using what their knowledge of me against me has hurt me more than the real cause of my pain. I guess it is only now that the consequence of my glibness has impacted on me so much.