Here I go again….

Hmmm. Ive been having one of those confusing, “im-in-the-crossroads-of-my-life” moments when I just don’t know what I want to feel or just don’t know how to interpret what I am feeling. Maybe its because of the weather.. nah. Maybe its because I still want to sleep and I haven’t had a decent sleep since last Monday. Maybe im still thinking of how hard our situation is. When I get home at night, I have to talk to my sister about how things went in the house, the bills paid, money spent, how mom is doing and all the other stuff. I think I really am having a hard time trying to pick-up myself from depression… after depression. Maybe because ive been paying too much attention to my clothes. I havent been comfortable with my outfit these past few days. Ive been wanting to buy a new pair of pants and shoes and some blouses…..but I don’t have the time and the resource yet. And everytime I do scout for a new pair, I always run out of zest and interest. It seems as if, ive been growing tired everyday.

Maybe, im simply confused about how to go on with my life. I have actually planned a path for me to take and im sure ive said to myself so many times before that im going to see that path, take and walk along it no matter what happens. I have already internalized that that plan will come true with the purest conviction I can gather. Yet now, here I go again. Feeling low and beaten, as if nothing will ever turn out right.

Ive been battling with my insecurities for so long. I have been determined to whisked them off whenever they pay me a visit every once in a while ( Thanks to myself, I have tried not to be polite to them and even tried to shoo them away, they don’t frequently invite themselves anymore). I know and I still remember making a pact with the serious side of my personality to really strive to build ourselves. I know that so many people have overcome their insecurities, so it shouldn’t be a problem for me. Yeah… It shouldn’t be. But somehow it is… again.

Im okay with my job. I really am. I have everything Ive asked for before I graduated. I ask God to give me a job that would still allow me to read the economist, time, newsweek and so on. And guess what, I got it and more. I really feel blessed that I got this job. Plus the people are soooooo nice…(that’s an understatement). They’re great, cool bunch of people who I think never grows old because they have been preserved after staying the whole day in a refrigerator-cold office – even my leather jacket can’t keep the cold off my body. They still have that idealism I only see when I was still studying, though not the same intact perception about the world. Some of them believed they have been burned out. Hahha, not a very unusual circumstance in the workplace. Welcome to the real world.

But there’s just something that keeps my concentration unfocused. I will have to settle this on a slower pace than I expected. Perhaps, really think through everything. I just hope time never gives up on me lest he runs away leaving me with all these things unresolved. Believe me, a meeting of thoughts is currently going inside my mind. Even the Cancun debacle cannot match the chaos inside. NO lines can be drawn, no clear issues to be settled…..

But then again….Its just another one of those I-woke-up-in-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed days, though I can only get up in one side coz the other side is against the wall. Hehehehe.