More and more each day, the feeling of wanting to enjoy and experience freedom from the dictates of people surrounding me, grows stronger. I want to know who I am, what I'm capable of doing on my own and how long and how far can i discipline myself. Its a scary thought to be alone especially when i think of all the temptations waiting to jump at me and feast on my weaknesses. Its also scary to be alone in a new place. But im preparing myself for that time. Im trying to stand on my own, following little by little the basic tenets of discipline a person should have in order not to fall to the preys of the world.

I can't help but feel excited also when that time comes. When i'll finally be able to live without boundaries, at least according to how i define "no boundaries", ironic as it may seem.

Messages loud and clear

First, the idea of getting into a relationship and second, making yourself a better person.

Don’t you just feel so irritated to the point of shouting at the person who constantly reminds or incessantly bugs you with an admonition to keep from engaging in an intimate boy-girl or woman-man relationship? I just had a bad start today. Ive been bugged with that reminder from my dad for weeks now. At first, im not affected because I know that theres nothing to be guilty of, whatever it is he’s been ranting about. I thought it really is natural for a father, who just lost his wife, to be protective. He told me that he’s doing that to protect me from falling in the same situation my sister fell into when that bastard, son-of-a-bitch just left her pregnant, without the slightest courtesy or dignity to show himself to our family after the incident. So there, it’s a scheme to get me off that path of disgrace. Good for me? Bad luck. I want to scream and shout and kick everything in my way as I go to the office. I can’t totally despise him for that. But man! Its just so sickening hearing him every waking moment, especially when he’s drunk that I ought to stay away from that kind of relationship.

My dad has been assuming too much, way too much, not even thinking that im different from my sister. I don’t blame my sister for falling for that asshole and irresponsible guy, he was at first glance a gentleman. But thinking that id fall in the same kind of situation seems to imply that I cannot take hold of myself or cannot even be in control of my instincts. That I’d just give in to momentary pleasure and not think of the lifetime agony it would cost me to give in to that concupiscence. I can think for myself. And believe me, I get the message, he’s really successful in getting the message across, LOUD and CLEAR.

Second, what does he wants me to become? An old maid? #$!@&*&%#$%. Cant find the words to say how much I hate it when he reminds me of that. The harder part in this situation when you complain of how the message is so sickening it makes me want to throw up is that in the end, Im the bad girl. That I don’t know how to heed to advices, that I cant even listen to what my only parent is saying, that im too smart, too intellectual, too individualistic, too modern, too liberated, too hard-headed. Talk about becoming the victim.

IM not that excited to have serious relationship. I have stopped looking and decided not to wait nor look nor even hope. The only guy who got me to profess my love for him already has a lucky woman beside him. After that, I never felt that I would feel or decide the same way again. If God decides that I’m better off alone for the rest of my life, then so be it. I’ll be saving money for caregivers in the distant future so that I won’t have to be alone. Plus I’ve already talked to some of my friends who think that they’ll live their lives alone too. I told them that it’d be better if we just get together so we wouldn’t have to feel the gravity of being lonely. But to constantly ring the message in my ears every second of my life just makes me want to throw myself to doing it. Fast. Can’t he seem to realize that the more he wants to avoid it, the more it will hunt him?

I’m soooooooo pissed off. Soo soo soooo pissed off.

Second in the list. I am definitely not the first person one would be elated to meet. I have this tendency to spew out sharp words to just anybody, to be too proud to admit my mistakes, too righteous to order people around, too damn bitchy. I’m not playing myself clean. Believe me or not, I’m struggling to be a better person. I’m not patient, I can be so irritated at somebody and be bitchy to him or her. I have this tendency to lord over my siblings and my relatives, well to some of them. I tend to feel as if I’m-miss-know-it-all. And I am aware of who I am right now, aware of my faults, shortcomings, misgivings and deliberate mistakes. And I am not stopping at those things. I am struggling to change for the better.

But it’s just so hard to do that when people keep on pressing to you who you are and how they know you. It’s pretty difficult to get out of the impression your closest friends and relatives have of you. And even harder to get on with the change when all they see are the mistakes and how you should reform yourself.

I want to get out from this situation. I want to know myself without anybody telling who I should be or what should I become. Without people curtailing my freedom to choose and decide for myself. I want to be alone for sometime and go to a place where nobody knows me. Its so tiring to hear what the people has to say about me.

I’ve got a life and mind of my own, you know.
And I get their message loud and clear.

To bum or not to bum

I have just recently realized the cause of my anxiety these past few weeks. I didn't want to admit it. But it's the only sensible reason that keeps on popping in my head whenever I try to "psychologize" this phase that im going through.

I am torn. Not between two lovers, though I wish I were. I am torn between being responsible and bumming around.

Not a very hard decision some might think. But it is for me. All these years, ive been trained to keep everything straight, to always take responsibility for all my actions, to perform according to whats good for me and for others. I have excelled in my academics, I did my best to do well in debating, I tried to perform my duties according to what is expected of me, I have always acted responsibly when it comes to my responsibilities at home. They all look up to me whenever things go wrong. I take care of all there is to take care of. They all run to me whenever they don't know what to do. All decisions has to pass through me before it is executed. To make the long story short, I am the boss around here.

I cant relate with cousins of my age. Now I always have to be with the elders whenever theyre discussing some thing. I cant fully enjoy company with my cousins coz Im always inclined to be the "responsible" one.

I envy people who have the luxury to do whatever they want to do. Those who are not pressured by their own situations. Those who can afford to be irresponsible. Or those who can let loose.

Ive told myself before that it is my modest dream to be a social bum. I just want to try and feel how it is when no responsibility is laden at your back. When you can sleep late and wake up late. When you can go to the mall everyday, be a couch potato, fool around. I want to know the how it feels to be reckless, carefree but happy at the same time.

I feel tired. I want to be out of this. And it worries me. A lot. Because the "good girl" in me always gives me that nagging feeling to BE RESPONSIBLE.

I want to relax.
I want to let go.
I want to bum around.

yeah, I want to bum around.....