The truth hurts

Why do I have to deny it first and then concede in the end? It is not totally unknown to me but I guess I never learn. I never have and probably never will. Every time I find someone I like, its like a knife is thrust into my heart repeatedly, torturing me to admission. Yes, I do like him. I do. I do. I do. Please stop. The effort of putting a show is taking my time from me, from my life. I shouldn't be pleasing anyone with a show and all. He should like me just the way I am. But then again, that's the reason why I am again in this state. I never learn.

Okai okai okai, even I cringe hearing and reading myself say these things. I just want it to stop. Please stop me.

My truth and nothing but my truth

Sucks to be me sometimes. I tried to avoid this feeling because I fully understand that to love myself is to appreciate and accept not just the good things about me but also the things that I do and I am that makes my life more complicated, to say the least.

For quite sometime, I've been thinking why until now I haven't found a man who would take me seriously; enough to risk something to be with me. Somehow there are two answers that keep on ringing repeatedly and would always be the first ones to come up whenever this question surfaces. First, it's because I realize that I would be making serious decisions if I am in a relationship which, I would probably not regret in the future, but those which I may look back at and say, I could have done better or something else; close to saying that I would not have known better that is why I made a decision. It is in these moments that I am glad that things happen for a reason because I may not have the chance of becoming the person I want to be if I make decisions when I am with somebody.

I don't think its right to say that that person might be a distraction but I might make a decision headed away from my own self-actualization because I will prioritize, more than I think I would not, our relationship and what will make him happy. And so I feel that right now, life is making choices for me by offering me only the things that will help me be determined about the life I want to live.

Second, and I guess very metaphysical in nature is that I fall and hurt so easily to my own detriment. "Mababaw lang ako" and this I say in all honesty without any tinge of humility. When I dare say don't be close to me because I fall easily, its the barest truth that I can share. That's naked truth. To spare me from the danger of going berzerk over love and life or love life, love made itself elusive.

I think I understand better. But it doesn't make the hurting less painful. sucks to be me sometimes.

The Pain that never goes away

Love comes with pain and it sucks but its inevitable. They say that mature people face it and accepts it gracefully; adapts to that reality, understands that it is part of their reality. I imagine a big piece of wood permanently stuck in the center of my heart. It lives there. When I laugh it hurts; it also hurts when I cry; but it hurts everyday because I love. I love to love.

Question: Why do we still love even though we know we will be hurt in the process? Why do i still love and never learn my lesson? Why do I fall for the same kind of guy everytime? The timid, the quiet type, the ones who are quite the opposite of me? and end up getting hurt, every time.

There's so much to learn.